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Pornography is a pictorial art-form portrayed by both men and women in sexually aroused states, and is enjoyed as an accompaniment to enjoyment of wanking. Pornographic films are particularly noted for their intricate story lines, surprising plot twists and first-class acting.

In most pornographic movies - I have been told - the threshold for turning an everyday scenario into a depraved, steaming outburst of gender-collision is kept low. Very low. Be on the lookout for these tell-tale signs:

  • female drop the soap
  • female unbuttons blouse because of hot weather or 'just because'
  • male does household job at neighbour (who coincidentally just got out of the bath and didn't have time to cover herself properly when the doorbell rang), job is finished, male actor asks for payment, female oops has no money in the house, they think of a solution, and, surprise, come up with a mutually beneficial solution
  • female is watching TV or movie, and instead of eating chips like normal people, decides it's time to explore her nether regions